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Cowardly or Prudent?

Change is difficult for almost everyone. And even I have to admit (to the internet, not to anybody I know personally) that when September rolled around I was hit with some major anxiety. I was going to buy a boat and move on it in a matter or weeks and my life was never going to be the same. I was freaked.

Obviously that didn’t happen. Part of the reason was practicality. My budget was so tight that buying a boat, adding the solar system and having money to live on until I was gainfully employed was going to be really, really difficult. Keeping my boat options fairly small, and like the boat I ended up with a bit of a project. And a project that I would have to tackle while living aboard.

Then things changed up here and we ended up with more help on the mountain. While it made it easier for me to get away, the knowledge that I could alleviated the trapped, suffocating feelings. Making the need to flee subside. It also opened several options for the future of the mountain. Giving me potential goals to work towards up here if I wanted to stay. (Which I mention briefly here.)

I did finally come to the conclusion that I still wanted to get a boat and live aboard in the islands. But by then the available boats weren’t as stellar as they had been earlier in the season. I did come across a few boats that seemed like great options. The two most promising were a Cal 29 and a Tartan 30. But neither felt right inside. I have to admit that part of me wondered if that was because they weren’t the right boats, or if it was just buried anxiety.  If it was anxiety, was it fear of change, or a logical concern about my limited budget?

Could it be that part of the reason that this boat felt right is because I knew it would take several months to get it up to snuff? That it gave me an excuse to postpone the major life change that I was working toward? I have decided it really doesn’t matter. It is okay to be afraid when changing everything you know. (Side note: Yay for shadow work. I could not have admitted this a year ago.)

By the time I have the boat ready to go and money in the moving fund nothing will stop me. Not necessarily because I won’t be anxious or afraid, but because I am too cheap, and value my time too much to have put that much time and money in to a project just to abandon it.

So did this post have a point? Not really, I just wanted to share my experiences with this. Because while I admit to being strange and abnormal I think this is perfectly normal. (Which might be a first for me.)

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